My Big Wedding and Other Related Catastrophes
by Nan Ma
Summary: It's Ling Tong's wedding, so why didn't anyone ask what HE wanted? But the day before the wedding, Gan Ning goes missing. Now Ling Tong has 24 hours to rescue his groom- and if he plays his cards right he may just end up getting his dream wedding.
1. Chapter 1

It's Ling Tong's wedding, so why didn't anyone ask what HE wanted? But the day before the wedding, Gan Ning goes missing. Now Ling Tong has 24 hours to rescue his groom- and if he plays his cards right he may just end up getting his dream wedding after all.

* * *

So, a friend told me that I shouldn't depend so much on gags and sex jokes and my usual repertoire for humor. So somewhat trying something a little bit different. Well, not really that different, but trying to lessen my reliance on some things.

I do hope you like it though. This is going to be a short little thing, hopefully quick story. I mostly just typed and went with it.

* * *

"But I'm allergic to kiwi! I'm allergic to kiwi and you know it!" Ling Tong dumped another packet of sugar into his ice tea and stirred angrily, accidentally splashing his previously-crisp white dress shirt. "Damn!"

"Oh dear, you need another napkin…" Lu Su said calmly, passing the younger man a linen handkerchief. "But come now, I'm sure you can scrape off all the icing…" Lu Su said, folding the cake catalogue closed. "Besides, look how lovely it is…"

"Didn't we agree on chocolate?" Ling Tong said huffily.

"Who's 'we?'"

"Me and Ning. We both want chocolate. Like a mud pie or something."

Lu Su took off his Bluetooth and slowly straightened his tie, looking out beyond the veranda at the garden outside, as if counting to ten. A moment later, the chief diplomat of Wu spoke again.

"Long Tong, you do know that this is… An important event, right?"

"Of course it is. _It's my goddamn wedding._"

"Well, the point is… We're looking for something a bit… You know. More sophisticated…"

"Fine, fine, maybe not a mudpie- we can go with that French chocolate mousse right? That's expensive enough."

"You aren't understanding what I am saying…" Lu Su took another deep breath. "Okay, Ling Tong… If you were looking at someone's party… What is the difference in impression that you get if you see him with an intricate, exotic tropical fruit cake… Versus a chocolate cake like a four-year-old. Who would you rather work with?"

"Who gave me a bigger slice?"

"That is not the point. The point is, we want to make the right impression, and that means…" Lu Su flipped back to a bookmarked page. "Ordering 'Le Fruit Suprême de l'île Tropicale' instead of the one you suggested…"

"What's wrong with the Ultimate Destroyer Chocolate Megasplosion?" Ling Tong muttered.

"Okay, we'll have the topper heart be white chocolate. Compromise?"

"What do you think I am, eight years old? White chocolate's not even real chocolate! Besides, a garden wedding should have chocolate cake," Ling Tong said defensively. "I mean. It's more fitting."

"Well, the Brighton Luxus offers a much better venue…"

Ling Tong froze. "What? That bit square thing in the middle of downtown? The one that's been under construction for six years?"

"…Ling Tong, it's not under construction. That's the finished building. And you do know that the Lu family has ties to the Brightons, right?" Lu Su asked. "I am sure the Lu family would appreciate it."

"Well, I don't want to get married in a Tupperware container!" Ling Tong snapped.

"Ling Tong! It's called _minimalist_ architecture, and it has won many awards for its innovative and creative design-"

"I don't care how many plaques it has- if it looks like a takeout container it looks like a takeout container! Why can't we have it at the garden like we originally said?"

"It's tiny. How are we supposed to fit 600 people in it?" Lu Su asked patiently.

Ling Tong spat out the iced tea he was drinking. "Wait what? Where did all these people come from?"

"Important guests, Ling Tong!" the older man sighed, rubbing a hand through his graying hair. "Okay, do you want to see the list that we wrote out? We're inviting the Chairman of the Standing Committee of the National People's Congress Cao of course, and Chairman Hu of the Central Military Commission, Vice President Li-"

"Okay, how's this." Ling Tong set his hands on the table. "Ning and I'll get married the way we want, on our wedding day. Then another day we can go do the whole show-"

"There aren't any other auspicious days for weddings right now! Can't you just have your party another time-"

"This isn't a party! This is our _wedding!_ I'm not having our wedding on a bad day! Well, since all your stuff's for show, we can do that on any day 'cause it doesn't matter, right-"

"And what will everyone say?"

"Well, I'll invite them to the nude fishing trip too, okay? How's that?"

"Look, Ling Tong, you already get to have your stag bachelor party _any way you want._ Any way. As long as you run it by us first, okay? Isn't that what you want? How is that? Anyways, we've already made scheduling arrangements with the Nine-Lotus Temple."

That was the last straw.

"You're having the Nine-Lotus monks bless us?" Ling Tong shouted, slamming his glass down on the coaster so hard a crack ran up the glazed side. "Seriously? Seriously?"

"Why? What's wrong?"

"I don't like them, that's what's wrong!" Ling Tong snapped. "Besides, I want the Taoist like we said! Can you imagine?" Ling Tong imagined a Buddhist monk sprinkling holy water while speaking of compassion, selflessness, spirituality, and nonviolence to 600 of the most ruthless and bloodthirsty people in China. How was the monk supposed to bless to a bunch of people like them with a straight face? "It fits better anyways, with me and Ning-"

"Are you _asking_ to blow off the Nine-Lotus sect?" Lu Su demanded.

"Hey, hey, they're supposed to be all peace and love, right? They won't mind. We're just a buncha worldly, materialistic people after all."

"The Nine-Lotus is very popular amongst all classes and professions," Lu Su said placatingly. "It would really show that we will cooperate honorably with any possible allies…"

"All professions? So 'criminal hooligan' is on the official list of job titles now?" Ling Tong cried. "I just want our wedding to be _ours_! Is that really too much?"

"Ling Tong, I'm sorry I can't oblige your every wish. But there are considerations…"

"Considerations? We can save all the politics and bluffing around for some other time! There's only one date to get married and I want to get married!"

"And you will! Don't worry! But you must understand- you and Gan Ning both occupy high positions and possess the responsibilities and obligations that come with it. Managing and keeping control over your respective turfs, coming out in arms, and fighting for the Lord Sun are a few of your duties, as is this. Now if you excuse me, I really need to get going."

Ling Tong threw up his hands, exasperated, as Lu Su doffed his hat and started to gather up his papers.

"I just want my wedding!" Ling Tong repeated. "Look, it's really generous of The Man to go all-out in trying to help us. But really, we were planning on planning it and paying for it _ourselves_ for one thing! You know, I have a portfolio set aside from _years_ back so I could pay for my own wedding…"

"We know, and we know that you two can afford to and want to pay… But you see, it would look rather bad, not to mention be uncalled for, for Lord Sun to _not_ do this for you…"

"Can't I just get married?"

"And you will. Just with a few things you need to do along with it. Good day, Ling Tong," Lu Su said courteously.

* * *

"-And yeah! Can you believe it? So what, I get to have a cock party my way, as long as _they're_ okay with it," Ling Tong snorted, twirling his nunchucks in the air and cracking them down on the dummy in front of him harder than he normally would have.

"You know stag parties are important too," Taishi Ci assured him. "I mean, remember Sun Ce and Zhou Yu?"

Ling Tong cracked half a grin. "Their stag party _was_ their wedding."

"What party? I heard about it but I was too young to go. It sounded fun," Lu Xun piped up enviously, pulling up his sweaty t-shirt to cool down his bellybutton. He looked up to Ling Tong with his big boyish eyes, hopefully pleading. "What about yours? Am I old enough? Everyone else is going, and Master Lu said that he'd tuck me in and everything before he went…"

Really, Lu Xun was too damn cute. Ling Tong nearly agreed before remembering himself. "Sorry, kid. Eighteen and over. It's called a cock party for a reason."

"Can't I just stay for a little while? Until curfew? I can help with drinks and stuff-"

"Jailbait, you're going to land half the party in prison if you come," Taishi Ci snorted.

"What? Why?" Lu Xun exclaimed.

"Yeah, if you don't get why you're definitely not coming."

"No, really, why?"

Ling Tong rolled his eyes as he continued to beat on the plastic dummy. "And they're starting the wedding from the morning. _The morning._ You know I'm not a morning person!"

"Well, you get to sleep in all you want the next day. If you're sleeping at all that is, hah, hah, h-"

"And guess what cake they to order? Le fruity troppycacks supreme di illey or something I can't even pronounce!"

"What?" Taishi Ci dropped his foam clubs. "I thought you were getting the Chocolate Megasplosion!"

"Well, don't worry, I thought it was _my_ wedding. There seems to be a bit of confusion on whose wedding it is…"

"Well, your stag party's your own night, tomorrow, I mean," Taishi Ci said firmly. "There's no way they can censor it. You got the beer and everything else comes!"

Ling Tong grinned and shrugged. "I guess so. Besides, knowing Ning after a few drinks, we'll at least have a stripper."


	2. Chapter 2

Ling Tong shuffled through his papers, looking for any extra signature spaces he might have missed. He squinted at the ridiculously tiny print, blinking to wet his eyes before giving up.

"Ning!" he yelled, turning around and hanging over the back of his chair. "Ning, pass me my reading classes? They're on the porch outside."

"You can't get them yourself?" Gan Ning yelled through the window from where he was wheeling out the trashcan.

"I'm filling out forms! Just hand them to me. Besides, you're out there already."

"Just a minute."

Ling Tong heard a loud bang and screeching noise signaling that the trashcan had safely docked into its corner in the yard.

"Here you go." With the smell of sweat and cut grass floating in, Gan Ning dangled a sleek pair of reading glasses over to him.

"Thanks. Oh yeah, sign over here- _what_ the hell is that?" Ling Tong shouted, pointing to the wriggling burlap sack Gan Ning held shut tight.

" 's a raccoon," Gan Ning said, shifting the bag to his left hand. "I think it's the one humping the trashbins at night, so I'm dumping it in someone else's house."

Ling Tong rolled his eyes. "Just sign this form."

"What's this?" Gan Ning asked, leaning over Ling Tong to peer at the form and stretching out an arm to sign.

"Just legal stuff… Oh, this part's for insurance stuff. Registering as spouses. I know, just paperwork for the government system…" Enticed by the sheen of sweat and rippling muscles in front of him, Ling Tong leaned in and curled his arms around his fiance's torso. "Mmm."

"Hey, hey!" Gan Ning patted Ling Tong's head. "Weren't you just telling me to save everything for the party tonight?"

"I'm not doing anything. I'm just hugging you."

"Isn't this how it normally starts?"

"Oh, we can have a bit of time just to ourselves, can't we?" Ling Tong asked, leaning closer.

Gan Ning closed his eyes and cradled Ling Tong's shoulders in his hands. "Well, I thought-"

_Thump. Scritch scritch scritch scritch._

Ling Tong looked up. "What was that?"

"Shit! I dropped the raccoon!"

* * *

"Old Man!" Gan Ning threw an arm around Lu Meng as the older man came in the door. "Come on in!"

"Hey Ning! D'you now where I can get any extra plastic cups?" Jiang Qin yelled, waving around an empty plastic bag like a sleeve.

"'Course I do! I'm coming," Gan Ning shouted, making his way back to the kitchen.

Lu Meng coughed and blew his nose. "Thank you, Gan Ning. Hack, hack. This is for you two, by the way." He offered Ling Tong a small package. "Uh, go ahead and open it…"

Ling Tong gave him a look. "Right now?"

Lu Meng tilted his head. "Why not? You might be using it later."

He complied and ripped off the giftwrap. "Huh? Cool, a new vibrator?" Ling Tong chuckled. "I see what you mean. Thanks Lu Meng." He threw an arm around the older man's shoulder and gave him a quick squeeze.

"Hack. Hack. You're welcome. Gan Ning too. Incidentally, it's my favorite brand because it's ideal for _solo use _like when you're alone and thinking of how statutory rape laws can really halt your relationship wi- …Uh." Lu Meng coughed again. "Uh. Well, ignore that last part."

Ling Tong rolled his eyes but nodded. "What last part? Anyways, why don't you go grab some beer-"

Lu Meng suddenly shook his head as if trying to clear his mind. "Oh, Ling Tong, I met Lu Su on the way here! I forgot to say at first, I am sorry. Anyways…" He coughed nervously and paused for a while. "…Well, it looks like the Civil Police Office Head… Is coming."

Ling Tong dropped the gift in shock. "_What?_" he spluttered.

"I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but Lu Su says for everyone to behave…"

"I bet Lu Su told him! _None_ of us are going to be in much of a party mood with that damn stick-in-the-mud around!" Ling Tong snarled. "Since when was that guy coming? Who invited him?"

"He invited himself!"

Ling Tong felt a headache coming on as he thought of the straight-laced official's record of declaring anything and everything a culturally immoral public disturbance. He had already had a few bad run-ins with the man, involving Gan Ning, both kinds of six-packs, and a large plastic screwdriver. This was the man who dragged Santa Claus down to the police station for having an expired parking permit!

He quickly looked around for a place to hide the vibrator, then dove into the kitchen to find Gan Ning.

Ling Tong found him humming cheerfully as he mixed a few more drinks. Narrowing his eyes, he grabbed the ex-pirate's meaty arm.

"Ning. Ning. Really bad news. You know Inspector Zhang, right?"

Gan Ning snorted. "Yeah, he'd have an apoplexy if he saw all this," he chuckled, waving a hand out at the crowded party in the living room. There was a loud cracking noise as Taishi Ci successfully crushed a water bottle full of beer over someone's head. A chorus of whoops and machismo followed. "We really put those American animal house shows in the dumps, eh?" he bragged as heavy metal and hip-hop started to blare from an iHome.

"Well, he's going to. Inspector Zhang's coming."

Gan Ning dropped the kalua bottle. "_What?_ Now? Taishi Ci's already got his pants off! Shit- Yu Fan too-"

Ling Tong covered his forehead. "I don't know!"

"I'll take care of them, Tong, you go warn everyone."

"Cheers."

Ling Tong greeted Inspector Zhang politely at the door.

"Inspector Zhang this is a complete surprise yes I was not expecting a visit," he intoned blandly.

The balding officer nodded politely. "Well, I was speaking to Lu Su earlier, and I would like to pay my respects. Congratulations Mr. Ling. This is for your and your fiancé." An aide standing next to him offered a fruit basket with printed fat babies hanging on the side. The babies were the sadly, the most interesting part of the whole arrangement.

"This is very generous of you. Thank you very much, Inspector Zhang. Won't you come in?"

Ling Tong led the Inspector into a placid scene in the living room, where the TV was turned to the home decorating channel.

"So… Has the party already begun?"

Yu Fan sulkily handed him a paper cup of apple juice. "Don't ask."

Jiang Qin was the first of the ex-party to leave early. Ling Tong did not blame him one bit.

The stag party did not go until five in the morning as planned. Rather, nine that night was when the last guest, namely Inspector Zhang, left.

While Gan Ning was occupied with handing out party favors (which were, in fact notes reading "pick it up tomorrow here when the policeman isn't around"), Ling Tong opened the locked gates for the Inspector.

"Thank you for the party. It was… A calming time."

"Thank you for attending," Ling Tong said through forced lips as the officer got into his aide's car.

The officer looked back at Ling Tong before closing the door. "It's… A pity. I was told that there would be a bit of free love for everyone… I suppose I had the wrong impression. Anyways, excuse me. Good day, Mister Ling, and congratulations. I will see you at the wedding."

This took a few moments to sink in.

When those few moments were over and the realization that they had destroyed the party for nothing, Ling Tong took a deep breath and screamed.

* * *

"So the officer's gone. Do you think we can just invite everyone back now?"

"I'm not in the mood," Ling Tong collected the last of the paper cups and dumped them into the trashcan, reflecting that it did suit his current state of mind. "We're getting married the day after tomorrow, and all I can think about is today," he sighed. "I was looking forward and planning and everything and look what happens!"

"Yeah… That wasn't really a good party…"

"That wasn't _even_ a party? Why did anyone even tell that ass? Lu Su- I'll get him for this…" Ling Tong snarled.

"I'll ask him about it tomorrow," Gan Ning sighed. "I'm heading out tomorrow to finalize and see everything… Didya see my schedule? Gotta make it from the Lao Fun Catering building to the cake shop in twenty minutes- on rush hour!" The ex-pirate chuckled. "I'm sorry I was gone for so long. Felt kinda bad for leaving the rough part of the planning to you," he said. "Haha, I just get to sit back and tell you what I want for it, and you had to take care of how!"

"It's okay. Someone has to go secure the trading route. Besides, it's not everyday that I get to bitch on everyone."

"Really? Seems like it, though. Anyways, I'm going to go shower. Really early start for me tomorrow. So many places to go! I should be back by eight in the evening, though, Tong."

"Hmmm. Are you passing by the drug store?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Pick up one a box of safety pins for me."

"All right, all right. Oh. By the way, Lu Su mentioned to me that he made a few changes. What does that mean?"

Ling Tong slowly sighed. "Well, remember what we wanted for our wedding?"

Gan Ning cocked his head, unsure of where this was leading. "Yeah?"

"Well, it's not happening."


	3. Chapter 3

By the time Ling Tong managed to roll out of bed, Gan Ning had already left the house.

Then it hit him. "We're getting married tomorrow. Oh my God." Ling Tong grabbed his toothbrush and sat back down on the blankets, holding his forehead. Oh, don't get him wrong, he was excited- and elated, really, to finally make their relationship 110% official and all…

Sadly enough, the thought of Gan Ning, or at least the thought of getting to arm-wrestle Gan Ning at the reception (hey, it was tradition for the men on the separate sides of the family to do so, and since they were both men, why not?), was the only thing keeping Ling Tong from just shoving out the door and yelling "I QUIT, YOU LITTLE FUCKERS" at anyone and _everyone_ even vaguely related to the wedding. Last night's quiet disaster was still a dull lump in his stomach, after all.

He pulled out the box of what Lu Su had labeled "Extremely Inappropriate Adult Items" that they _WERE_ going to hand out at the bachelor party yesterday if it hadn't been for someone going around inviting stupid officials to someone else's party that he had no right to be… Oh well. They had at least tested one of the little wrapped things last night. He had enjoyed it until Gan Ning revealed that there _was_ no off switch.

Speaking about party… Wasn't the married couple supposed to personally hand out the wedding favors at the reception? Ling Tong's grin got wider as he rifled through the box. With a little white tissue paper and a little slice of hand, why not?

Feeling a little bit better because of the act of disobedience but a bit worse because he just realized that he was forced to stoop to underhand childish tactics at _his own wedding,_ Ling Tong strode to the bathroom to get ready for the day.

* * *

There was a piece of paper taped to the mirror. Ling Tong pulled it off (it had been stuck on backwards) and read Gan Ning's scrawling handwriting.

_Hey Tong!_

_I'm about to be dragged around the whole city by Old Man and Lu Su. Catcha later!_

_BTW I drank your coffee, sorry. But there's more in the left cabinet._

Ling Tong sighed and rolled his eyes. But at least he had given a warning first. Figuring that he might as well let the coffee filter or brew or whatever coffee did while he brushed his teeth, Ling Tong headed to the cabinet and looked around.

After several minutes of fruitless fumbling, Ling Tong gave an angry huff. The stupid git must have misplaced it or said the wrong cabinet or something. And of course, instead of searching the other likely cabinet, Ling Tong grabbed his cell phone.

Gan Ning was the top of his speed dial list. Ling Tong held the phone to his ear and waited.

_Beep!_

"We're sorry. The number you called is currently out of service. Please check your number and try again."

"Huh?" Ling Tong snorted aloud, staring at the phone in disbelief. How was that possible? They were just having a good old snapping match over cell phone yesterday! He manually dialed Gan Ning's number again, only to be met with the same tinny robotic voice. "Weird…" Recalling the note, he rung up Lu Meng.

He picked up after only four rings- a record for sure.

"Hey, Lu Meng-"

"Ling Tong? Is that you? I was just about to call you-"

"Huh?" Ling Tong blinked in confusion. "What's up-"

"Have you seen Gan Ning?"

"No, that's why I was calling you."

There was a quick jabbering on the other end of the line.

"We have a situation. Gan Ning's gone missing now," Lu Meng explained calmly.

Ling Tong choked in mid-snark. "_What?_"

"Here. I'll update with you. You knew of his plans today?"

"Yeah, kinda."

"Well, here. Listen up. He was going to meet with us. Then we were going to go to all the stores we are patronizing for the wedding, you know, to make sure everything's going well and, ah-hem, make sure that they know that having connections- uh, anyways. Anyways. Anyways. I'll have Lu Xun text you the schedule, or at least what was supposed to be the schedule."

"Uh-huh, got it- so-"

"He met up with us this morning all right, at the bistro. We were talking for a while, and then we drove to the florist's. That went fine, but when we got out, he was gone! So then-"

"Wait, just gone? What do you mean?"

Lu Meng groaned. "You know Gan Ning. Always running off to do his own things, orders be damned… Anyways, I get a text from him, don't ask me why, he knows I get charged two yuan a text because I don't have the plan! So here's what it says." Lu Meng paused a moment "Lol old man I'll get things done faster this way. Rented a bike don't worry about me, I'll take care of this. Kyaa, and then an L with the number eight and an R on it."

Was it a code? A secret mess- oh. Ling Tong aligned the characters in his head. "That's abbreviation for "see you later." Anyways, so what are we waiting for? Let's call the other places-"

"That's what I was doing! Did you get the text from Lu Xun yet?"

"Not yet-"

"You'll get it soon. Anyways, let's split up calling. I'll call everything until the bakery, so you call the bakery and everything after that. All right?"

Ling Tong rolled his eyes. Leave it to Lu Meng to panic. Ning was probably just doing his own thing his way and would be back… Of course that didn't explain about the cell phone. Maybe he dropped it and it got run over by a cement truck or something. In that case, it would be the fifth phone in half a year and therefore no surprise.

Either way, after everything with the wedding already, Ling Tong really did not feel up to another thing _not_ going his way.

"I'm on it."


End file.
